Tuesday, August 18, 2009

This is the funniest chit I've ever read. Mostly because I've thought it on numerous occasions.

I got this in an email today. My comments are in ( ). < those marks that start with a P and i have no idea how to actually spell. And im not typing in firefox today so it's not automatically going to tell me i spelled it wrong, so im not even going to try.

Random Thoughts :
(whoever typed all these out is a genius!)

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
(like seeeeeeriously.)

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
(i like me, you like you, dont deny it.)

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
(aw chit)

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? (more than once. mostly it involves walking past my car in the parking lot)But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. (well im usually already on my phone at that point and that's why i missed my car...)

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (yawn)

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. (you cant make this chit up...why didnt that happen in my office.)

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. (ya....yaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! - but blowing on my wii, because the electricity went out randomly, and the wii wont come back on....it just didnt work. I tried. I did. I had to google it. on my iphone. cause i was too lazy to walk to the computer. but dangit it works again!)

There is a great need for sarcasm font. (oh please yes!!!)

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it. (i realize this with songs from my childhood too. I realize this with songs that werent from my childhood - you know that Rascal Flatts song...Mayberry? I didnt understand what the heck they were talking about til about 6 months ago. And i used to watch that show.)

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. (Uh, i make all my friends watch Memento. Except it's not funny.)

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (Let me know when you find out. Mine end up wadded in a roll of some sort and stuff in whatever slot in the towel closet i can find.) (Wait, i just googled it. Martha Stewart will show you. As will youtube. What the hell WONT Youtube show you. And this person will too, better than martha stewart apparently, but i didnt watch any of the videos so i cant tell you for sure)

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. (yes. It's hot in texas y'all)

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (Amanda are you reading this!?)

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. (well it's safer than actually texting while running through a green light..)

Was learning cursive really necessary? (no. except that in 3rd grade i won the handwriting award...and i will still brag about it to this day because of who i had to beat to get it. Well, it meant something to me in 3rd grade. I think the girl is fabulous now...)

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". (lol)

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (i like food.)

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. (it's been a few years, but ya.)

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro. (stupid...or brilliant...)

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? (i usually say What just to buy me a few seconds of time while they repeat it to actually process what they just said, and then i end up interupting them repeating it to say oh, oh yeah, ok)

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies" (i know there's a standard vocabulary of words to use for this that they teach in cop school...cause justin used to talk about it allll the time while he was in cop school, but none of it sank in - im sure you could google this too, and then print it out and stick it on a clip in your cubicle for future reference. I might do that.)

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? (it'd be like when Mr. & Mrs. Smith realize they're both assassins?)

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (I KNOW! Just last week I found out somebody i knew, died. And i have NO idea how. I googled and i googled and does that make me morbid/weird? apparently not, because someone else has obviously wondered this too. I still didnt get an answer tho)

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. (yawn again)

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! (i couldnt have described it any better myself.)

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? (it's not just you. It's halloween you whores. Wear something scary!)

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. (sings "where in the world is carmen san diego?" - you know you sang it too just now)

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. (like now? lmao)

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. (I havent even bought a blu-ray. is that even how you spell blu-ray? screw you blu-ray. i see you playing on that big hi-def tv at frys, and quite frankly, you freak me out.)

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. (this goes for photoshop files too. scary.)

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. (no it means, i will put it in the washing machine with other things that say that and put it on delicates. screw you hand washing, this is 2009!)

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' (ill just DVR it when they arent looking and change the station, pft)

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? (seriously people, what the hell! what the hell!!!)

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. (and then when you look like poo, you see EVERYONE!!!)

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. (and this is why i have like 6 ipods, no joke. one has EVERYTHING on it, and i hit next, next, next, listen to a minute and a half, next, next....but then on one of my smaller ones, i have about 150 songs i could listen to NONSTOP and i never hit the next button.)

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... (good point!)

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. (HA!)

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (i have more than one in mine. i didnt even give these people my new cell phone number. but its still there. just. in. case.)

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. (me either you lazy genious bastards who do know what to do and do it)

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? (kids say the darndest things. and they're hilarious.)

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. (YES!)

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner. (hahahahahahahahaha!)

Now tell me you arent cracking up.


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